Prayers For Boobs

“Dear God,

“I know you work in mysterious ways. And don’t think I’m not grateful! After all, I’ve gotten this big – no, huge – in just the two months since I first prayed for tits big enough to put that silly white bitch Suzie to shame. Now look at me! I’m spilling out of every bra I’ve ever owned, and Suzie crosses her arms over her chest every time I sit down at the lunch table with her.

“But I was thinking… and if you don’t want to, that’s fine, I’m completely OK with the blessing you’ve already bestowed upon me and all that – but I was thinking that maybe I could stand to get a little bit bigger still. You know, just a few more inches on the measuring tape. It’d make landing that smart, wealthy, husband that Mama and Nana keep praying for me to find that much easier, wouldn’t it? And bigger boobs would mean that the children that I’ll have with him – and I know you love children, that’s, like, the one thing that the priest preaches about every week, the evils of condoms and all that – anyway, those children will be able to absolutely thrive if I had big breasts full of milk for them.

“Plus, I know that that hunky guy Kevin on the football team is absolutely crazy for huge boobs. Like – well, I’m sure you’ve seen his porn stash. You’re God, you know everything. So if you want me and him to hook up, then I’m going to need to be a lot bigger up here, right? Right.

“So that’s all I’ve got tonight, God. I ask you and Jesus Christ, your Son, that with the Spirit, our welcome guest, you guard our sleep and bless our rest, etc etc. And bigger breasts.

“Amen.”