'Boob Flu' Strikes Campus
‘Boob Flu’ Strikes Campus
Mayor Urges Calm; Classes Cancelled
EMERYVILLE - The CDC today urged residents of Emeryville to stay indoors and avoid physical contact with other residents today after an outbreak of acute viral mammocoronavirus, or the “titty flu”, was confirmed on Emeryville Polytechnic University campus yesterday.
Although rarely fatal, the virus is known to cause flu-like symptoms as well as dramatic swelling of the chest. Other commonly reported symptoms include lethargy, arousal, and spontaneous lactation. The CDC assures residents that any reported cases of gender-transformations are viral hoaxes. “The virus does not affect men, although they can be asymptomatic carriers,” a CDC representative said in a statement. “We highly suggest residents of any gender obey the quarantine rules.”
“I urge all residents to stay indoors and out of public areas until the outbreak is contained,” Mayor Kelly said in a statement. “Mammocoronavirus is no laughing matter, and we are taking all the necessary steps to contain the outbreak and prevent it from spreading beyond its current isolated footprint.”
Classes are cancelled for on-campus students until further notice. Online classes are on a normal schedule, and students should contact their teachers to confirm any exceptions.
Reached by phone, one student on campus who asked not to be named was nonchalant about the lockdown. “I’ve been self-conscious about my breasts my whole life, so if I catch it, great!”
Others were less enthusiastic. “’Boob flu’ is more than just a boob-job and some sneezes,” Sarah Smith, 20, a member of the campus Biology Club, said. “Its effect on the brain is not well understood at this time, as well as complications for pregnant women. We shouldn’t be cavalier about it.”
Mammocoronavirus was first reported in 1997 in Portland, Oregon; initial outbreaks lead to a flood of ‘boob tourism’ into the city until the virus was identified and public-health authorities instituting a county-wide quarantine. Further outbreaks strike on an average of twice a year, in geographically isolated areas, leading some to theorize the virus is being intentionally spread by persons unknown. Public health officials deny such reports, citing the virus’ long incubation period as an explanation for the dispersion.
The CDC encourages all residents to be on the lookout for the symptoms of the virus: fever, abnormal hunger and thirst, lethargy, arousal, and swelling of the bust. If caught within 12 hours, physical changes can be avoided with treatment.